I get it.  Premature ejaculation can be annoying.  Sometimes a couple can’t even engage in intercourse, because ejaculation takes place so quickly.  In some cases, a couple may have trouble getting pregnant.  Women complain about being able to have an orgasm.  So yes, premature ejaculation is a real problem.

On the other hand, a lot of people who call for help don’t have the problem they think they have.  For example, men sometimes call because their partner doesn’t have orgasm during intercourse.  Yet the man is able to engage in intercourse for five minutes or longer.  I’ve even had men tell me they last 15 minutes, which they consider to be “premature.”

That is definitely NOT premature ejaculation.  Just for the record, the official term for the condition is now “early ejaculation,” so that’s how I’ll refer to it in the rest of the article.  Early ejaculation is diagnosed when a man ejaculates, or comes, within two minutes or less.  It is not diagnosed when a woman cannot have an orgasm in the same time period.

If you are a man and you last several minutes, and your partner does not have an orgasm, then it is your partner who has difficulty.  In that case, she (I’m assuming a hetero couple here) will need to better understand how to have an orgasm, maybe with intercourse, maybe in another way.

If you really do have early ejaculation, there are a number of things that can help you.  Unfortunately, men with early ejaculation seem to be especially preyed upon on the Internet with jacked up formulas, creams, sprays, and so on.  By the time they get around to calling a professional, they tend to be–understandably–suspicious.

Of all the groups of men who call The Buehler Institute, these are the men who want a guarantee that whatever we give them to do will WORK.

No therapist guarantees their work.  We aren’t plumbers with standardized parts and protocols for fixing things.  There are just too many variables for us to guarantee, 100%, without fail, that we WILL be able to help you.

In fact, it is unethical for therapists to provide such guarantees.  If you show me a website where a therapist guarantees their work, I would have to talk to that therapist and tell them to take their claim down.  It is my ethical obligation to do so.

So what the heck do sex therapists do, if what we do is so great?

Here is a list.

  • Learn all about your body–your whole body, not just your genitals.
  • Learn techniques for relaxation.
  • Understand your feelings, both physical and emotional, and how you express them.
  • We’ll show you how your thoughts influence your behavior.
  • We’ll help you improve your self-confidence, in and out of the bedroom.
  • Learn why foreplay is important even if it makes you come.
  • Get some techniques for slowing down during sex that don’t involve squeezing or pinching.
  • Find ways to help your partner have an orgasm that don’t involve intercourse.
  • If you have developed erectile dysfunction, we’ll help with that, too.
  • We have some interesting tools we can suggest to help you practice lasting longer.
  • We’ll discuss other treatment options, including medications, to see if they are right for you.

What we recommend, however, is based on an assessment.  Why do we need to do an assessment?  Well, as I just suggested, early ejaculation might not be the problem.  The other reason is that we want to rule out problems like an anxiety disorder, substance problem, or relationship issue, like poor communication or fighting about sex.

Don’t be afraid to “come” in.  We really do get it.  We really do want to help.  We really don’t want you to think we’re just going to tell you what you already know, or suggest what you’ve already tried and doesn’t work.

Give sex therapy a chance.  While we cannot “guarantee” results, what we can say is that the majority of folks are glad they’ve been to therapy.  I could not keep my doors open if I didn’t help people.  Not only would I not have any clients, but I’d feel terrible!  It would be like opening a food truck that I think serves the greatest pannini in the world, but everyone else thinks it sucks.  I’d get it after awhile, right?  I’d close down the truck, sell it, and try something else.

So yes, I think we can help you.  Give sex therapy a try.